The Pink Rand

This analysis of The LGBTIA and our relationship with money will not be the usual rant and raves about our obsession with wealth and opulence, but rather will look at why money plays an important role in our lives. In that regard this post seeks to place various topics on the discussion table. This observation and opinion is open-ended. So your comments will help grow the discussion. There are many generalisations in the post so please excuse that.

Gender Roles and Money

Growing up in a heterosexual and patriarchal household one realises various gender roles. The Man as the head of the household is to be the provider; he offers ( or is supposedly supposed to) shelter, clothing, food and most importantly , security. Women, conventionally, provide support and have limited control over the household finances. She is to make sure the household is operational according to her man’s specification. In some relationships, ‘Marital Power’ ,where the male spouse has absolute power and control over every financial decision in the household (which has legally been abolished) ;is still in full force.

Now , when it comes to people of alternative relationships, ie- the LGBTIA, how do we navigate around gender roles pertaining to the household finances? Does the one that earns the most assume the role of “head of the household”? Does one with a lessor income submit to the will of the one that earns more? Does he merely support and have little control over the household finances?

Many People I’ve engaged with relate bedroom dynamics with ones role in the household. I’ve heard a number of bottoms refer to themselves as the “women” in the household that look to their “men” (tops) for guidance and security. Many of these bottoms that refer to themselves as such are usually highly effeminate and prefer overly masculine tops. My question is: does this not in some way conform to hetero-norms?

In my opinion, it’s fine to prescribe to any particular gender identity, but does that identification have to perpetuate hetero-norms and negate gender equality in the household? Is it not in some regard, a form of internalised homophobia?

“Wealthy Bottom, Poor Top” complex

A number of people in the LGBTIA have observed that there isn’t an equal ratio of tops and bottoms.

It’s arguable that alternative sexuality people tend to be ambitious and hardworking. For the purpose of this blog, let us assume that there are more bottoms than tops . In that regard ,we can also assume that there are more successful bottoms in high earning careers such as commerce, sciences etc; given the presumption of there being more bottoms than tops.

I once read a tweet posted by one of my followers which spoke of “The scramble for tops”; this being a result of the unbalanced number of tops and bottoms, the latter being the most. And of late I’ve realised that there is indeed many middle to high income bottoms dating tops that earn far less than they do. This further poses a different “power” question

Are wealthy bottoms flaunting their wealth to attract poor tops? Are they using their wealth to trump other bottoms in “the scramble for tops”? And are the poorer tops aware that they are being bought and are manipulating the situation to suit their needs?

I have an acquaintance who says he is “strictly top” ; he’s in his early 20’s and has multiple boyfriends, all of whom have a middle to high income; most of them are older “power bottoms”. He tends to brag about how they spoil him, from paying for his clothing accounts, to lavish nights on the town and in some cases trips to neighbouring countries to visit them. He always asserts that he’s “the man” in the relationships and coerces his power bottoms into spending their money in accordance with his needs. Essentially, he is in control of his various partners hard earned money. I’ve asked him how he does it, and he simply replies “I’m hot, I’m masculine, I’ve got a big dick and I’m Top; very few guys have these qualities”

So in a nutshell, there’s a transference of power from he who earns to he who pleasures the previously lonely, over-achieving and aging bottom….once again the one that identifies with masculinity, assumes power in the relationship, even over the one that generates an income, simply because he (the masculine top) is with one of the plentiful bottoms out there. He holds the bottom at night and relieves him of his loneliness…at a price of course.

I’ve asked my acquaintance weather his wealthy power bottoms know of each other. He simply shrugged and said “some of them”.

The Sale of Bodies for Security

It is easy for many of us to judge those that use sex as a tool for financial gain, but we need to remember that being of the LGBTIA is hard enough, now imagine being of an alternative sexuality and being poor.

It is a known fact that the bulk of sexual discrimination happens in poor areas; although there is gender and sexual discrimination in the suburbs as well; it cannot compare to the discrimination, suppression and marginalisation of LGBTIA in poorer areas.
It is only natural for a gay person to want to elevate themself from poverty, whether it be the smart bottom that strives for a successful accounting career or the suppressed top that believes his penis is his ticket to comfort (excuse me for being crude)

Money offers security and gay people are rarely labeled as “poor”. The Pink Rand offers one access to high powered human rights lawyers, safe neighbourhoods and access to liberal support groups that are well equipped , in the liberal urban areas and their leafy suburbs.

A mate of mine’s cousin, who is from rural North West, dropped out of Grade 10, and travelled to Pretoria to meet a guy he met in a MXit chatroom, when he arrived there, he was overwhelmed by the concrete beauty of the city. He admits that he didn’t really love the guy he hooked up with in Pretoria, but loved his lifestyle, he was showered with clothes, food and lots of alcohol. Needless to say, he was later sent home packing after being dumped for a younger version of him, with nothing but HIV.

If he had had access to information about his sexuality and the dangers of social media he wouldn’t have needed to go to the city and basically use his body to acquire a lifestyle but instead led to him contracting a virus. If he wasn’t poor, he wouldn’t have been swallowed up by the big bad queer city. Sadly the struggle for the Pink Rand has its casualties.

We need to thrive for economic equality across racial, gender roles and identification and sexual preference lines. Money shouldn’t be a tool for manipulation and power-play. It should be a tool used for empowerment, in a way that prevents the compromising of morals in the pursuit of money.

@Double_Adapter2

Tough Love

This here is the story of a mate of mine. It is the story of how he came out (or rather was forced out) of the closet. Now , I’m not much of a story teller, but rather an argumentative essay writer (Law student syndrome) , but I’ll narrate the story as best I can, then proceed to discuss its dynamics

It was the summer of 2009. Matric exams had just ended and elite matric students from all over the country were headed to the wealthy KZN North Coast towns of Umhlanga Rocks and Balito for the annual 2 week Matric Rage. It was to be a vacation filled with sunny beach parties by day, and debaucherous arena type clubbing by night.

This was the setting for two 18 year old black boys, let’s call them “Legae” and “Kgotso”, from an elite boys’ school in Pretoria. The two boys had organised their vacation with a group of girls from their equally elite sister school and two of their guy mates from other schools.

Upon their arrival at the bus station in the grimy Durban CBD, they were welcomed by their mate Vusi, who was standing by a black BMW 1 series and a black Mercedes Benz Vito which was in front of it. Vusi would be driving the 1 series, and his brother Sizwe, who’d be hosting them would be driving the Vito minibus. The guys proceeded to carry the girls bags first into the Vito (chivalry isn’t dead) , and then placed their own luggage into the BMW. They’d agreed that the girls will go ahead of them to the beach house in Umhlanga Rocks and the guys will make a stop on Florida Road to buy alcohol and weed , namely Durban Poison. Then the boys would make their way to the house as well. And so they went their separate ways.

Once the booze and drugs had been purchased , and the boys arrived at Sizwe’s beach house, the party was in full swing. Their other friends who’d arrived earlier at their respective hotels that day, were invited to what would be the most EPIC house party of RAGE ’09. There was drinking , blunting , snorting, braaing and night time skinny dipping in the pool in the back yard. There were beautifuly netball toned female bodies , and chiseled male rugby toned bodies all around the property.

A few heinekens and joints later Legae decided to look for one of the girls they were sharing a house with, let’s call her Alicia. She’d been his Matric Dance date, and was sure he’d be getting lucky with her tonight. Legae wasn’t a bad looking guy, he was fit, medium built, had cognac brown skin, with a smile that could seduce a nun. Alicia was most definitely the most beautiful girl in her school , if not all of Pretoria East. She had fair skin (which made her look coloured) beautiful dark brown eyes, she was short and had an hour glass body, and dark silky black hair which she had bought for that summer. Alicia was and still is a Gauteng “it” girl.

After having looked throughout the entire outside parameter of the house he decided to look for her inside the house. He checked all three of the girls rooms -nothing. Seeing as he was already in the house , he decided to go put on some cologne in his and Kgotso’s room so he smells fresh for Alicia. It was when he opened that door, that everything changed…

He ran down the road, bottle of vodka in hand, onto the beach, under the picturesque Kwa Zulu sky. Found a rock and sat on it facing the dark ocean , feeling its breeze. He reflected on what he saw, and more so, how it made him feel. He was angry, he knew that but… that’s not what he was thinking about…he was scared… Scared of the fact that he was heartbroken. But he wasn’t heartborken because he saw his bestfriend kissing his dreamgirl, but rather he was scared that he’d seen his bestfriend – with his tall, caramel skinned , ripped body – covering, and kissing somebody else with his succulent full lips …

After a few swigs of the blue bottled vodka, and 5 cigarettes. He thought he was calm enough to get back to the house, he knew Kgotso and Alicia knew he had caught them, and wouldn’t be stupid enough to continue at it in his and Kgotso’s room, where he was going to pass out , regardless of the loud noise coming from the party which was still in full swing. He got into the room, took off his white tank top and black shorts, and put on his light blue track pants that were inside his suitcase, and got into bed after turning out the lights.

Twenty minutes into him laying there going over what he saw, and how it made him feel, a light came in from the door being opened, he turned the other way and faced the wall. A few seconds later, Kgotso sat beside him facing the other way on the edge of the bed and said “Bro, we need to talk about what just happened” in the deep baritone voice Legae loved

“What’s there to talk about, bru?” Legae asks rhetorically

“Dawg…I’m sorry…” Kgotso said in a shaken, shameful tone

“Nah bru, what are you sorry about? If you were sorry you wouldn’t have snogged her to begin with” Legae said as he turned around to face Kgotso who was looking back at him. “But you know you’re my homeboi so it’s chilled whatever blood. So just let me sleep it off bro.” Legae turns back to face the wall with his back facing Kgotso.

He notices Kgotso hasn’t gotten off the edge of his bed and instead was taking off his sneakers and getting into the covers next to him. Kgotso and him have shared a bed before so he didn’t think much of it. Until he felt Kgotso turn around to face his back…he got closer placed his arm under Legae’s arm and against Legae’s chest. Kgotso pulled his torso closer to Legae’s back. He began to caress Kgotso’s chest and kiss his shoulder, slowly moving towards his neck. A few seconds later, Legae was pinned to the bed facing up where Kgotso was now on top of him. They were kissing passionately. Before Legae got lost in the moment he firmly pushed Kgotso away and said “Kage bro, you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Kgotso was breathing heavily when he said “Lock, bro trust me I know what I’m doing…” He proceeded to kiss him as he slipped out a Durex condom which was in his jeans which were still on but unbuttoned. 1 .. 2 …3 and they were still at it, they’d been through the difficult part and were now in full swing and momentum was mounting. It was at this point that the unthinkable happened.

Light from the outside hallway had come an as a result of an open door. They stopped…looked at each other with a mixed feelings of , shame and fear. Legae with his back against the bed , looked to his left. Kgotso , who was on top of Legae looked to his right. There they saw the dark frame of a girl…a girl they knew all too well, a girl that had come on vac with them…

Both Lock and Kage got up and put on their clothes, Kage ahead of Lock went after his cousin Gomolemo, who had stormed out of the room, in tears. Once Legae had his track pants back on and tank top as well as his slippers he too proceeded to walk as briskly as he could after Gomolemo. He saw Kgotso standing against the frame of the front door, a few meters away Gomolemo was on the drive-way where many cars were parked and Gomolemo was being comforted by a group of girls, one of them being Alicia who moments later burst into a laughing fit and was running around the drive-way in disbelief of the joke she’d just heard come out of a distraught Gomolemo’s mouth.

“I saw my cousin on top of Lock…they were KISSING” Gomolemo said in a shaken and distraught state. Gomolemo assumed that Legae and Kgotso had only been kissing given that she only could see their heads, their bodies had been covered by the bedding.

Legae went back down the hallway, into his and Kgotso’s room,closed the door, took a swig of what was left of the blue bottled vodka which he’d placed on top of the mahogany dresser which now had his ‘Nivea For Men’ body cream as well, placed the the now empty bottle in the little trash can beside his bed where a durex, used condom and opened condom wrapper lay, he switched off his bedside lamp and passed out.

. . .
This is a true story of a friend of mine I’d met in law school. His life has never been the same since that first night of Matric Rage. The news of the incident flooded social network sites like MXit , even people that weren’t in KZN at the time found out. He lost many friends, including Kgotso. He was the victim of online homophobic slurs and was even accused socially of having taken advantage of Kgotso.

I thought I should share this story to illustrate that even behind the elite high walls of high society, you do get conservatives that blatantly express their bigotry. Elite educational secondary schools do not adequately prepare and promote awareness and tolerance of alternative sexual preference. In fact they perpetuate homophobia through their promotion of machismo and misogyny.

Luckily my mate is a strong person that has fought back against homophobic slurs that have riddled his life after this incident, but what about those that aren’t as strong? What about those prone to suicide and are physically, emotionally and verbally attacked? …who protects them? What about those that would rather die than be who they are?

WHO PROTECTS THEM?

Double T

The Double Adapter

At last I finally set up this damn blog. The purpose of which is to create a platform for a young aspiring social commentator, to discuss matters that affect the LGBTIA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Asexual) community. The Blog will look at the trials , tribulations and social norms that we as the LGBTIA are engaged in. I’ve been discussing these issues on my twitter account (handle: @Double_Adapter2) for the past 11 months, and needless to say I too have learnt much from my fellow tweeps. I’ve engaged in debate, rants, shade and the occasional harmless flirting. I’ve been intrigued by various sexual and gender dynamics which were puzzling and entertaining to say the least. Many of these I aim to explore and discuss on this wordpress page.

Enough about that , you’re probably wondering “Who is The Double Adapter?”. My name is Tyler Tshimologo Stokely Mogale a 21 year old Law Student. I’m a product of the new South African Black Middle Class. I am your average guy next door. Like any other person, I am a complex individual with an acute case of FOMO. I consider myself to be an intellect with a keen interest in Politics, Economics and Urban African Norms. I am an optimist with strong opinions. I love baps as much as the next hot blooded 21 year old black male. I don’t discriminate when it comes to sexual preference, ie- I’m Versatile (yes, I’m a bisexual that bottoms from time to time, but that’s a blog post for another day). I’m a humanist, that tries to understand what makes people tick. I’m an anti-bigotry activist. Everything else you’ll find out through future blog posts, and opinions expressed on my twitter account @double_adapter2.

I look forward to engaging with fellow bloggers, blog followers and tweeps on matters that affect ALL members of the LGBTIA including various socio-economic and political issues. SO WATCH THIS SPACE